is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
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