just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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