Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
He would only do it doggy style. The "he's probably gay" debate rages on...
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
Please note that in response to your post about your dog's jaws clamped hard around a stick, I did not comment, "Takes after his dad." You're welcome.
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
Randomize
