We were doing it doggy style, and I puked on the floor and started crying, he told me it was okay his cat would eat it... and if it would make me feel better we could do anal...
And they lived happily ever after....
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
Less talking, more tequila
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
Randomize
