you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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