it seems that i get a boner from just about everything now
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
Randomize
