Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
We are walking down to the lake and then i dont know. Where did you sleep?
Places.
Plural? Please tell.
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
no where in the syllabus does it say "no alcoholic beverages allowed".
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
Nah its cool some of my cousins have fucked the same girls and brought them on family vacations and everything.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
Randomize
