i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
She's been divorced three times and use to raise cock fighters. Of course I'm interested in her
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
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