Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
So who won the naked front yard Olympics last night?
Well my tits are spray painted gold & i have what i think r the Olympic rings shaved in my vag !!!!!!!SO its safe to say i won something ....
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Randomize
