this is two weekends in a row I've been the pantsless girl at the party. I love my social life.
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
Randomize
