Taylor Swift is so right about you.
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
as she was beating the hell out of his ex, she screamed prison rules, and smashed her head with a beer bottle. I'm oddly afraid yet so attracted to her now.
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Randomize
