i puked in the mini-firdge
we don't have a mini-fridge?
bought one. it ws too cheap to pass up. xcept now there's puke in it,,, but the freezer's fine so i feel pretty good about that
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
She swung at the pinata with crutches
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
Randomize
