Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
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