And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
what food is Colorado known for?
Pot brownies.
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
Randomize
