dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
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