An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
I've been back for one day and I've already given two bjs. Improvement from last year.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
I want a musical about memes.
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
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