She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
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