i jus seen this fat chick walk buy look like she had don king coming out her arm pits..
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
Randomize
