Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
Anyone who has court these next few days keep your head up & smile knowing we broke the County Record with 27 underage consumptions
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize
