hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize
