i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
Randomize
