So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
These girls next to us are doing shots called bath salts. Sadly this is the classiest bar I've been to since i moved to PA
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