Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
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