I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
Randomize
