if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
ANNA YOU PEED ON THE STREET. LIKE NOT EVEN SUBTLY. YA JUST SQUATTED IN THE MIDDLE OF THE HIGHWAY. And you flashed your tits to oncoming vehicles to try to get them to pick us up
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
Randomize
