Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
the threesome consisted of him fingering dana while i laid next to them watching how i met your mother.
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
Randomize
