also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
I mean two cocks this time. Trust me, I'm not gonna pull the same stunts as last time in this situation
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
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