i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
Randomize
