Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
Randomize
