You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
The only thing I remember is the 300 pound man breaking ur railing from sliding down it at 3 am. Must of been a good night.
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
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