"what do u think of parents raising kids to be peeping toms" said guy on bus 2 me
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize
