I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
She bit a glass in half.
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
Randomize
