I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
I'm not getting off this floor. I love this floor
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
Randomize
