I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
would it be inappropriate to describe you with the phrase "bigass titties"?
The homeless ppl in LA are great. Theres sum guy that makes all of his clothes out of tighty whitey underwear. He makes bags out of them 2. Presumably 2 hold more underwear.
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
he was high. i was rolling face. we were both wearing grateful dead t shirts. at that point it's like we had no choice but to fuck
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
Randomize
