mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
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