I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
Who were the five players on the alien team from space jam?
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
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