You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
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