I just peed or puked all or around my parjibgb lot.
parking. I am not drunk
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
Randomize
