She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
I've already started drinking so the earlier you get out of class the more coherent I'll probably be.
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
You need a sexual gate keeper
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
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