I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
Randomize
