The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
I think my vagina is haunted
the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
she had a my little ponys comforter. i left when she went to the bathroom
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
