I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
I asked about his 3 inch scar on his chest. It's from when he had to castrate a bull on the estancia. Apparently this is how good bull meat is made.
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
