Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Randomize
