all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
Randomize
