I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
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