Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
Randomize
