Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
There will be bowls smoken and not a single fuck will be given.
Randomize
