I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Randomize
