u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
