i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
May the power of my ass compel you!!
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Randomize
