So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
He is like the real live version of the state fair..
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
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